Many of Miss Expatria’s loyal readers have taken advantage of her inspired lessons to learn the most useless phrases ever spoken in Italian. If you’d like to sound like a native speaker who’s mildly retarded and/or drunk, you’ve found your teacher!
I forget words. I emphasize the wrong syllable. I hate that every object on earth has a gender. And don’t ever ask me what I “would have been doing” because I guarantee you, my answer will take a while and most likely be incomprehensible.
Relax. Your waiter does not want to know your opinion on stem cell research.
When in doubt of a word, say it in English with a heavy Italian accent. No kidding. You can test this out by saying “computer.” Say it like you normally do, and watch them glaze over. Say it, comb-poo-tair (not “pyou,” “poo”), and they’ll light up like a Christmas tree.
It appears that while pecorino is a delicious cheese, pecorina means to have sex doggie-style. Needless to say, I was very popular among the Napoletani for the rest of the weekend. And more embarrassing stories.
sfogliatella = sfole-ya-tell-ah
A pastry from Napoli, crunchy yet flaky with cream inside. Do not eat when wearing black, as the powdered sugar will be your demise.
Capri = COP-ree (Yes. Really.)
The way I say it, it means: He flew from the thing for the pan
“I got you a puppy.” Davvero?! (clap hands excitedly for prezzies) “I’m dating George Clooney.” Davvero. (give withering look and slowly sip your wine)
My favorite one, though, I most often notice among teenage girls – ti voglio tantissimo bene. I wish you the very best in the whole wide world. It’s like the Italian version of BFF.